Are you from the 80’s generation or old enough to remember the song made famous by the late, great Robert Palmer “Addicted to Love”? Whether you are or not, perhaps you have gotten in tune with the millennium and have become addicted to dating. What once started out as love has quickly turned to lust!

I recently wrote my new book Fast Food Dating Your 2 Cents due out on shelves next week. I was part of a production team who started shooting a documentary movie of the same name. We went out on the streets, beaches, clubs, coffee houses and asked both men and women about their dating habits. We really wanted to know what kinds of venues or services they were using to meet their soul mates, dates and one night stands. The responses were enlightening, amusing and entertaining. I had spoken with over one thousand people and had more than enough material to create this insightful yet whimsical book. Even though the book has just been tested marketed, it has already stirred a lot of snickers, chuckles and raised eyebrows. This from both men and women!

I wanted to know why so many people are using modern fad dating services such as Internet dating, telephone dating and Speed Dating. Do they really work? Are people finding who and what they are really looking for? After further review the verdict was an enigma caught somewhere between yah and nay. If dating is the game, then “hell yes it’s a great way to meet,” to quote many respondents on their experiences with dating. In fact, the “dating” and “meeting” component actually became more tantalizing for some instead of the actual person. Does that make sense?

You see, some men do so much Internet and telephone dating that is has become a staple activity in their daily lives. For some, the day begins on the Internet and ends with the Internet. Oh yes, everything in between is also “the Internet”. It’s not the dating aspect for many that turns them on most, rather it is the anticipation of meeting or chatting with someone which becomes most arousing. I had so many report that they are addicted or at best habituated to the dating process because they enjoy the arousal it creates for them. Can you believe that? Some men enjoy chatting with women more than dating them. As a matter of fact, I even had a couple of men tell me the chatting and surfing aspect of Internet dating is more sexually gratifying than actual physical sex. By the way, I did not ask these same men if they were gratifying themselves while chatting on the Internet or telephone. If they were, perhaps that could explain some of their answers!

What is it about Internet, telephone or even Speed Dating that makes it so addictive for some men? From my interviews, I was able to put my finger on two things, figuratively that is. First, some men do get physically and sexually aroused when talking with women. The anticipation and also seeing the woman’s face or body on the Net provides them with a visual for arousal. Second, some men get totally turned on with their own sense of feeling popular, wanted or sought after. Say what?

The obvious reason many men get addicted to dating is the plethora of women they get to meet. Women come in all colors, shapes and sizes and men get to pick and choose exactly what they are looking for in a partner. We live in a day of instant gratification and “fast food” to quote my book, where so many want what they want, when they want it and right now! For some men, this is like window shopping or catalogue shopping. Who said men don’t like to shop as well? When approaching dating with this mind set, you tend to always look for something better or you “test drive” who you will potentially be dating. By the way, the concept of “test driving” your date was offered to me from men I interviewed. I can’t take credit for it. The problem with using this type of approach for dating is you don’t really get to know someone. You date at a more superficial level. In fact, it almost becomes like being a kid in a candy store. The Internet is in your own home and you get to pick and date someone without even having to leave the house and work it. Best of all, they are right at your finger tips. Less work and easy access means more potential. Translated, you have a wealth of selection and most men like to work the dating process through much like conducting a hiring process.

The second less obvious reason is some men get the attention on-line that they crave in the real world. They might lack self-esteem or the social skills needed to meet women. Some might not be or feel as attractive as other men. They view the real world as too competitive and they lack the tools to compete. On-line however, they can be who and what they want to be using a photo and fictitious profiles which might be just a tad exaggerated. Okay, a heck of a lot exaggerated. Either way, they get so much attention from women they get addicted to it. If this doesn’t stimulate and flourish the male ego then I don’t know what will! Instant Internet access means instant attention for many. Hey, attention can be highly addictive.

I am not here to say being addicted to dating is good or bad. The bottom line is as long you are happy and not hurting anyone, then who am I to say its wrong, right? Everyone has there reasons for doing what they do. Who am I to judge? To close out, here is some fast food for thought to all of you Internet, telephone and Speed Daters. Do you think its at all possible women might be doing the same thing to you? After all, they often get the stereotypical label of being shopoholics!

I will be doing a series of articles on the various dating services and success rate in 2005 to the current. We interviewed over a thousand “daters” to find out what works and what doesn’t. We also wanted to know if there are any intriguing new services for meeting. Fast Food Dating Your 2 Cents is a wonderful compilation of insights, experiences and hang ups surrounding dating. Our disclaimer for this book is you will not only learn about the services, but from those who have already read or reviewed our book, which included a production company, all claimed to have busted a gut laughing. Okay it’s not Borat, but we would like to think of it more as a Borat meets Wedding Crashers meets You’ve Got Mail self-help humour book.

BY: Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D.

It’s 8:30 a.m. and I’m working on an article at my favorite place to concentrate… Starbucks. The piece I am working on today is lengthy. The coffee house is irregularly quiet, almost dead. There are a couple of regulars reading their newspapers and the transients coming and going. It’s 9:05 when a fellow I’ve never seen before heads back up to the barrister for another coffee. I didn’t see what his first was, but this next one is a Venti, for those non-Starbuckers that would be the grand-daddy extra large. A few moments later he is joined by a woman. She orders a small coffee and they begin chatting. The chatting starts to intensify and everyone can hear it. I glare down and see his eyes growing wider in their sockets. His face goes a few shades redder. I detect sweat trickling down the sides of his face. He becomes more animated in the conversation as each set of 5 minutes pass. I can’t concentrate on what I am doing. I am growing frustrated. I have barely touched my latte. Others have left because they had somewhere else to be or they had grown tired of his antics. It is now pushing 10 a.m. and I have managed to throw myself back into my article. Just as my re-acquainted interest has grown in my article, he does it again. Wow! He’s headed back up for another Venti. I am floored! He made quick work of that monster drink in no time and now he’s onto yet another. I don’t need my Ph.D. or background teaching courses in addictions to determine this fellow is already wired on caffeine and he’s about to up the ante to super-overdrive. Can you say zero to sixty in point zero one seconds? Let the fun begin! As I continue to try and write my article, a thought crosses my mind. I take a sip of my latte and the light bulb begins flashing my head. As the fellow with the giant coffee sits down and continues to turbo charge his central nervous system, he becomes the inspiration for this article which I start working on as I sit there and watch. I remain another 20 minutes to watch the show as a colleague joins me. My colleagues is a doctor and we indulge in this current topic which I am now working on through my observations of Mr. Venti. Speaking of Mr. Venti, he is nearly climbing out of his chair as he converses with is friend. We both notice his lady friend growing a tad bit uncomfortable. Her face is screaming, “Get me the heck out of here!” As we watch a few more moments, the caffeine continues to work it’s magic and Mr. Venti becomes more wired, loud and obnoxious. I leave to work on my article in a more private place…My office. By the way, my article is about what you are reading… Should individuals in coffee houses who have had too much caffeine to drink be cut off the same way someone in a bar who has had too much alcohol to drink be cut off?

At first blush some might find this whole notion absurd. Could someone actually get intoxicated on caffeine? The answer is yes! For starters caffeine is a drug, it stimulates the central nervous system and it is addictive. Any substance is considered a drug whenever it has the ability to change the state of the physiological body. After one cup of caffeine most individuals’ bodies will change in some capacity. The more coffee or tea you consume with caffeine the more likely you are to have a higher tolerance and probably require more to get the same fix.

The question begs to be asked… Should people be cut off in public places who consume too much caffeine? For starters, we live in very liberal societies where most parents think it’s okay for kids to drink coffee, tea, lattes, and the likes. Most don’t hold caffeine drinks with the same reverence they hold alcohol. It would seem there is even a drug hierarchy which exists in North America. Hard drugs like heroin and crack are bad and should not be tolerated. Marijuana is an illegal drug for all intents and purposes but is tolerated. Many people die of alcohol related illnesses and accidents but it’s legal and widely tolerated. Actually, let me change that to encouraged. Ever seen a beer commercial lately? I think you get my point. With that said, most responsible parents and institutions still shun the idea of teens drinking. Even though alcohol is readily available, many adults and officials are still adamant about not letting youth drink…even responsibly. Then you come to cigarettes. Tobacco is definitely not taken as serious as the monitoring of alcohol use. Much like caffeine and alcohol it’s a grand part of the socializing venture. Ah, but here is where the fun begins.

Most places if not all have band smoking in establishments. If you want to smoke, then you must go outside. If you live in North Eastern cities, socializing in bars and restaurants over smokes is a little more difficult to do. Some stats would suggest people are smoking less. If you want to socialize over drinks, you must do this in bars or establishments with liquor licenses. Most don’t open until 11 am and close at 2 or 3 am. Also, you must be of age and there are not always a lot of them readily available and accessible. So, with that said guess what is readily available on nearly every major intersection in a city or town near you? If you guessed a coffee shop you’re right! I am Canadian and if you’ve been to Canada, there are no shortages of Tim Horton’s, Starbucks, Donut Diners, Second Cups and Country Style Donuts. If you are in the USA you have many of the same coffee shops along with Dunkin Donuts.

I am not here to rip or put down the mentioned coffee shops because I attend them all on occasion, some more than others! I am here to ask a question which I think begs to be asked… How much is too much, and I am not referring to coffee shops! Should barristers and servers cut people off who they feel have consumed too much coffee? If patrons are becoming loud and obnoxious, should they be cut off or asked to leave the same way a drunk person would be asked to leave a bar or forcefully extracted by a bouncer? Hey, there’s an intriguing idea. Should coffee houses become equipped with doormen or bouncers to ask people wired on caffeine to leave? Furthermore, you could even go further and put “drinking age requirements” in coffee houses and ask patrons to present photo ID. Would you serve grade sevens and eights lattes or espressos and let them go back to class for the rest of the day where their teachers now have to deal with already wired kids going through puberty who are turbo charged on caffeine? Gee, imagine feeding these same kids who possess ADHD a couple lattes? Let the games begin!

I have always been an inquiring mind and I would love to know what the actual stats would be for people engaging in driving offences including speeding, road rage or careless driving because they are wired on caffeine. I have been stuck on highways located in Toronto, Los Angeles and Miami in the early morning and have witnessed first hand what I believe first hand are the results of one’s a.m. jolt of caffeine. Some actually appeared closer then I thought after looking in my rearview mirror. Actually, they were closer in seconds. Caffeine is the healthy alternative to speed. When operating a vehicle built for speed and being wired on something which makes you talk, walk and blink faster the implication can be pose traffic hazards.

Drinking alcohol and driving don’t mix because it slows down reaction time and impairs judgment. It would appear that drinking caffeine and driving actually speeds up reaction time. This is definitely a good thing, well that is unless the driver is on overdrive and I am not referring to the transmission on the car. What happens if the caffeine gives a distorted sense of courage due to reaction time proficiency and you start going NASCAR on a highway near you?

In most cities, provinces, states and countries it’s illegal to drink and drive an alcoholic beverage. Coppers and other drivers don’t take too kindly to seeing one cruising down the highway with a beer or margarita in their hand. Then again I have been vacationing in some countries where I’ve passed cars where I swear it was happy hour and they were serving daiquiris in mini-vans. Irregardless, it’s wrong. It’s bad! It’s just not as noble, honorable and lawful as gulping a cup of java or sipping a latte while cruising ten clicks over the speed limit. Best of all, everyone does it… Well that is almost every coffee drinker minus those driving nice cars who are obsessive compulsive with not staining their car’s interior. And just think… Cops do it all the time!

The common held belief is that if you need to find a cop the best place to look is the nearest coffee shop. Having worked with cops in the past I can attest to their being some truth to that notion. Hey, cops are not allowed to drink on the job, that is alcohol because it would impair their judgments. Would you want a drunk cop trying to catch the bad guy? Hell no! I want super cop whose taken it up a notch on caffeine. Wait… Maybe that’s why cops do coffee. It helps them become more proficient in catching the bad guys.

I was asked a factious question not too long ago after telling a fellow professor I was writing this article on caffeine. The question did hold some weight. If there were so any traffic violations as a result of caffeine consumption would they have to create drinking and driving laws for caffeine consumption? Interesting point. Would you create a breathalizer device of sorts to test blood-caffeine levels? Would cops have to start with themselves first? Perhaps they would be the ones to hook up ignition sensing starters to measure their own levels of caffeine. I can see it now… Commercials and billboards advising people to drink coffee responsibly while driving. As a matter of fact, I wonder how many of us would have to go into some kind of caffeine detox program. I have heard of some smaller support groups for caffeine. I am guessing you would see a caffeine-daddy support group created to treat this problem. The problem is it would bankrupt social services, kill the economy which is based largely based on the economic success of the coffee been and overall people would be miserable as hell! Ridding society of coffee is not the answer. My thoughts return to Mr. Venti and his obnoxious and unruly behavior. Is it possible I over-reacted? Perhaps I needed more caffeine that particular morning to lift my spirits as maybe I didn’t have enough sleep and was just overall cranky. Something I have always preached to my students is that substances can only work depending on the individual’s choice to use or not use. It’s quite possible Mr. Venti is a pain in the ass to begin with and perhaps a caffeine-free green tea or steamed milk would have produced the same results. I refuse to give caffeine a bad name all because of a few drinkers and drivers.

For now, let’s just leave well enough alone and leave coffee consumption as is. With that said, I still think the idea of seeing a barrister at Starbuck’s, Second Cup or Timothy’s cutting someone off because they’ve had too much coffee drink a cool concept. It kind of reminds me of the Soup Nazi on that famous episode of Seinfeld. In this case… “NO COFFEE FOR YOU!”

It’s that time of the year where many of us are starting to feel the effects of cabin fever and the winter blahs. Most of us were wishing the blasted groundhog would have said just two more weeks of winter! Do you feel like you are starting to come apart at the seams? Perhaps you are experiencing burn-out.

What is burn-out?

Burn-out occurs when highly committed people start to lose interest and motivation due to physical, emotional, or psychological exhaustion. This most often happens under the following conditions:

• You have been under very intense pressure for a period of time…way too long!
• You find it impossible to say no to others and additional responsibilities. Your feel you owe people or have to help them.
• You possess a perfectionistic personality and the need to do things 100%.
• You are biting off more than you can chew. You start too many projects.
• You are emotionally drained because you are letting those around you suck the life out of you.

What are some of the signs and symptoms of burn-out to watch out for? Well, the most obvious symptom of burn-out is intense fatigue. You literally have a hard time doing anything. You pretty much are physically spent! You are more likely to experience physical aches and pains which tend to linger. Your immune system is likely to be weakened and colds and bugs tend to come and go and also linger as well. You are also likely to feel a mental meltdown! You begin to feel you are not getting enough done. You may feel a loss of sense and purpose in life. It may get to the point when you start to feel you have less control if any over those things which you have mastered in the past. Watch you don’t start to isolate yourself from others. When we start to experience burn-out in our lives, we tend to withdraw ourselves from others and this adds to further stress and conflict. It is important to realize burn-out does not happen over night! It occurs over a long stretch and attacks us slowly.

What can we do to prevent getting burned out? Well perhaps the simplest solution is to eliminate or modify those things which cause us the most stress. Firstly, one must know their limits. Learn when to say “no” to taking on new commitments which you are not ready to handle. When you keep taking on these situations, you are more likely to be unhappy and start to take it out on others as well as yourself. Always make sure your goals are realistic and accomplishable. If you set unrealistic goals, they will only frustrate you and cause greater stress. Perhaps the best thing to do is prioritize your projects and obligations in an order of importance. Identify the demands placed on you and identify your strengths to meet those demands. Don’t let others bleed you physically, emotionally and mentally. Know when to say “when”. Sometimes when we give others a foot, they tend to take a mile! Always try to keep some time each day for yourself. Try to exercise or even walk regularly each day. Healthy mind will create healthy body! Get enough sleep to ensure optimal energy levels and eat, healthy, balanced meals. Always try to limit your intake of alcohol and caffeine consumption. Remember they are both drugs. One is a depressant and the other is a stimulant. They have the ability to change physical states in your body. They can really start to cause you sleep disturbances and energy lulls if your intake is high. Perhaps, the most important thing to remember is you have to assume responsibility for your own happiness, pleasure and relaxation. You are only human and you need a break too! Learn stress management skills which will optimize your daily living.
Peter A. Sacco, PH.D.

DO YOU HAVE COMPUTER OR INTERNET RAGE?

Do you like to beat on mice? I’m not referring to the cuddly, little fury rodents like Stuart Little. Well, if you do beat on them, shame on you. Remember, karma is a bitch. Ever seen the movie Willard? After seeing that, I was afraid to go into my garage, also known as 101 Junk Drive for weeks. Who would have thought it, little rodents having the same effect as the movie Jaws?

The type of mouse I am referring to is the kind which usually goes hand in hand with your computer. What would ever possess someone to layout out a mouse with their fist? Perhaps the same reasons I’ve heard about which led people to put fists through monitors, toss monitors and drives out windows or against the wall, or having prolonged hissy fits with their computers…Internet Rage!

When I was collecting data and interviews for my popular selling new book “What’s Your Anger Type?”, I was amazed at the number of people who claimed to have anger issues which revolved around their PC’s or Macs. When I further dug into the issues and roots of their problems I was shocked to learn that a new phenomenon was actually occurring…Internet/Computer Rage! I decided to run with this type of anger and found a whole subclass of anger existed.

How would you know if you possess Internet or computer rage? I have included the criteria I used from the interviews I conducted as well as from many of the clients I had seen professionally, as well as students. I managed to come up with the following symptoms. You know you are a Computer/Internet Rager when:

How would you know if you possess Internet or computer rage? I have included the criteria I used from the interviews I conducted as well as from many of the clients I had seen professionally, as well as students. I managed to come up with the following symptoms. You know you are a Computer/Internet Rager when:

• you're waiting for the URL site to change and you're growing impatient
• your screen freezes and you start pounding the mouse or keys
• pop ups keep appearing on your screen and you start swearing
• your e-mail is overloaded with junk mail and you start cursing
• blind ads are sent to you and you actually reply with nasty e-mails
• you participate in Internet chat to precipitate arguments
• you have to constantly be surfing the Net to get your fix or else you go into withdrawal and get very irritable
• you start stalking others in chat rooms or through their e-mail
• you've actually punched your monitor when things were moving too slow or froze up
• you've actually picked up the monitor and thrown it at the wall or out the window

Do you possess any of these signs and symptoms? Thank heaven for plasma screens! You don’t have to dig out the splinters of glass from your knuckles. I thought the whole notion of Internet Rage was a joke until I heard about the crazy things people do when they are on their computers. I actually had people report they did the “Frisbee” with their laptops in coffee shops and libraries. Can you say duck? Well, that’s what some were doing when monitors dive out of high rise buildings. Damn those spams!

If you would like to no more about Internet/Computer Rage and whether or not you have it, please visit my website at www.petersacco.com and take the What’s Your Anger Type? quiz. Yes, it’s done on a computer and I hope you have a high speed connection so you don’t develop further computer rage as a by-product of taking my test! Good luck!

SECRETS TO MANAGING CAREGIVER STRESS

Perhaps there is no greater stress than caring for a loved one. The amount of physical and emotional effort we put into caring for others can be very taxing. In fact, in many cases, the caregiver literally needs someone to care for them!

Stress comes in all shapes and sizes, and can effect you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Enduring stress over a prolonged period of time will effect one mentally. Simple mental tasks become more difficult to complete because your circuits become over-ridden with worries. It is not uncommon to begin forgetting the simplest tasks or get side-tracked and forget important appointments. Being a caregiver to a loved one who is suffering from a slow and insidious illness can be very debilitating emotionally. Many caregivers develop feelings of helplessness, haplessness and hopelessness which start to facilitate the phenomenon of depression. It is not uncommon for caregivers to experience crying spells on a regular basis. Often times, caregivers will break down and become overwhelmed with feelings of sadness.

The physical stress one experiences while being a caregiver can become so overwhelming, you can literally burn out. Often times, caregivers are so worried about their loved ones getting proper rest, eating and feeling comfortable that they neglect these tangibles in their own lives. In fact, many caregivers throughout the care-giving process develop their own stress-related physical ailments. Some require medication to correct their physical problems. Finally, being a caregiver can also lead to experience what is called spiritual stress. When you have a loved one who is sick, you often believe in the power of prayer or God to make them better. When your loved one does not get better, or they deteriorate further, you begin to question your faith and belief system and start to doubt. Some become angry with God, their church, their minister, or rabbi and literally get stressed out over their faith because it doesn’t seem to be showing them the results they hoped for!

Walter Cannon is famous for coining the phrase “fight or flight response”. Cannon used it to describe what happens to individuals who experience a very stressful experience. Most individuals opt for the easy way out which is the flight response, where you run away from your problems. On the other hand, many will go with the first option and stand up to their problems and try to resolve them. There is a situation however which can debilitate a lot of people. This occurs when individuals fall in between the fight or flight response. They literally get caught between the two polarities and do not know what to do. Figuratively speaking, it is like being a deer and wandering onto a highway and getting caught in the headlights of an on-coming vehicle. Many caregivers get caught in state of catatonia while caring for their loved one. They become frozen in their actions, thoughts, feelings and assistance. They feel like their hands are bound and this exerts a tremendous amount of stress on them as they feel totally helpless. They chose to “fight” and help their loved one, but the outcome didn’t go as they planned. They may have chose the “flight”, but something has brought them back to their loved one’s bedside and they now feel caught in the middle. The “fighters” were willing to endure the battle with their loved one, even wanted to re-retreat at times, but now feel caught in the stressful “stuck” state. And the “flighters” tried to run away but tried to help out only to now feel “trapped”. However way you want to look at it, this is stress. In fact, this is what professionals would label DISTRESS! Distress is negative stress as a result of some trauma or negative life change and it is very destructive.

If you don’t manage your stress, no one will manage it for you. Often times caregivers will report feelings of fatigue, frustration and burnout. Being a caregiver is an unselfish and overwhelming sacrifice of one’s self. Moreover, it is most times a thankless job with few tangible rewards. Nurses and health care aids are trained to deal with others and taught to be objective. When you are caring for a loved one, it is hard to remain objective and disallow feelings from getting in the way. Professionals can walk away from their job and enjoy their personal lives. When you care for a loved one your personal world literally becomes re-created by the health status of your loved one.

There are no clear-cut, great strategies for being the perfect caregiver. However, to be an effective caregiver, you need to keep your life in balance. You need to learn to keep things in perspective and keep stress in check before it overwhelms you. Here five strategies you might try using to manage stress.

Take a physical break from the care-giving situation. Being a caregiver will keep you glued to one’s bedside, chair or room. You need to totally dissociate yourself from your loved for a period of time each day. Most will feel guilty about not being around their loved on all hours of the day. You shouldn’t feel guilty. Don’t feel like your abandoning them. Perceive this as time to re-charge your batteries. Care giving is a physically draining job and you need to constantly be refreshing yourself. Just going for a walk is a great tonic. Any sort of exercise is encouraged. You need a fresh supply of oxygen to your brain as well as keep your heart and blow flow healthy. In fact, a 20 minute walk will make you more refreshed and alert!

Always try to keep open the network of support systems you have. Friends and family are very important during times of stress. Whenever family and friends offer to help out, jump at the opportunity. Some caregivers become so enamored and fixated with curing and caring for their loved one. They lose track of the boundaries which separate them. In fact, some actually develop a “martyr” complex where they sacrifice their very existence for their loved one. They believe they should be the only ones offering care and they don’t want to “burden” others. Care-giving can create egoistic attitudes in the caregiver whereby they view their way as the only way. Moreover, they may deter those that want to help. Whatever help you can get accept it. You may be in this situation for the long haul so keep your troops fresh!

Try and get plenty of rest. If you don’t get rest or sleep, you are going to become so run down you will not be of optimal use to your loved one. It is noble to try and be superman or superwoman, but your body will eventually tire and waken and you will be of little use to your loved one. It is best to regroup and take care of your physical body and mind so you can provide the best possible support. Your loved on has enough to worry about with their own ailments without having to worry about you! Also, avoid taking any kind of sleeping pills or sedatives to help you rest or get caught up on sleep you have missed. The last thing you need is to develop a dependency on pharmaceutical drugs!

Finally, apply the Serenity Prayer to your care-giving ritual and your life. Remember the following statement: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference! Whether you are a “believer” or not, this a profound tool as a caregiver. If you pray, perhaps you will be shown the answer to what you are seeking. If you are not a believer, then perhaps introspecting within yourself will show you the answers for how to cope better with the situation you are in. And the key word in the “prayer” is change. The only thing you can change is yourself and how you choose to handle the care-giving situation

Try applying these five strategies to your life. See if they make a difference to optimizing your care-giving abilities. No one said providing care to a loved one would be easy, but you only offer what you have. If you remain cool, strong and as de-stressed as possible, you will be able to handle care-giving more readily.

Peter Andrew Sacco, PH.D.
Professor/Author

FREEDOM FROM YOUR ANGRY PAST

By Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D.

Lord, please help me! Every time I hear her name or her voice I just want to bury my face in a pillow and scream. And if that isn’t the dynamite that gets my bomb ticking, actually seeing her face is the spark that lights my fuse. God, I just hate her! And I know it goes against everything You teach us, but I just can’t let go of the past and what she did to me. Help me Lord! Help me to truly understand the concept of “letting go and letting God”.

As you are reading this, does any of this sound familiar—perhaps just a little too hauntingly familiar? In my book What’s Your Anger Type for Christians, I identify 12 of the most common types of anger individuals possess. I offer a questionnaire to help readers identify their own types. Take a couple of minutes and honestly think about these 3 statements, using one of these 4 answers as your response; Always, Too Often, Sometimes or Maybe…

• I tend to relive the wrongs people have done to me over and over in my head. I just can’t shake these thoughts!
• Forgiving others who have wronged me is very difficult. I just can’t seem to forgive and forget.
• When I get angry I stay angry for a long time. It’s just so hard to let it go.

How did you do? If you are in the “always” or “too often” categories, you have what I call Petrified anger! “What is petrified anger?” you ask. It is the type of anger which keeps you emotionally, spiritually and even physically shackled. It is holding onto the wrongs done to you by others. It is the reliving of them whenever you think about, or see the person you perceive as having wronged you. You need to let go and let God! You need to apply His words, "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-7). If not, your life is truly in a state of emotional turmoil

Did you know that holding onto anger and not forgiving others is not only unhealthy spiritually and emotionally, but also harms the physical body? Possessing petrified anger over a prolonged period of time can lead to; bitterness, flashbacks, depression, anxiety, nausea/vomiting, insomnia, constant worrying, irritability, increased alcohol/drug consumption, bodily aches and pains, high blood pressure and increased heart rate. Does this sound like emotional and spiritual freedom to you? Heck no! This is being a prisoner to your emotions—Past aggressions which are flourishing in your present life.

Did you know that most of the time the person you have the “issues” with have forgotten about what happened and moved on? You’re usually the only one locked onto the past,trying to get retribution and exact “righteousness of the flesh” instead of turning the situation over to God. The Lord tells us to let it go. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil (Psalm 37:8).

Perhaps the best advice is “Get over it!” God gets over our past transgressions and wipes the slate clean when we seek forgiveness. Why can’t you? Is your ego getting in the way? If so, you need to ask God for forgiveness and truly in your heart forgive the person who wronged you. Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you (Proverbs 20:22). God’s promises are eternal. Just ask him and he will fix your heart and renew the spirit of your mind. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:29-32).

At the end of the day it’s you who has to live with yourself. You get to decide whether you want to hold onto your anger and be a prisoner to your “self-righteousness”, or you get to shake the shackles loose and embrace freedom! Why not reach to the heaven’s and savor the fruits of the spirit remembering that; Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).

NOSEPICKING:HABIT,OBSESSION OR HARVEST?

Can nose picking be an addiction? That is the million dollar question as good as gold. For others, their precision, perseverance and dedication to their trade, two knuckles deep would make you think they would be very proficient at mining for a substance other than gold.

As Editor-in-Chief of Vices: The Magazine For Addictions, Habits and Mental Health, the most popular and only one of it’s magazine in the entire world, we decided to see how readers who write in to us are coping with the New Years Resolutions they made just over 6 weeks ago. What better time to check progress reports than Valentine’s Day, the first biggie celebration day since January 1st. Our year end anniversary edition came out the first week of January and is still floating around and being read by throngs with and without addictions, habits and mental health. Wait, let me take that back. Our readers all possess a great degree of mental health!

One of our writers submitted a wonderful article on habits…Nose picking to be exact. I thought for those of you who are still struggling with digits in your nose, there is hope for you yet. There are no more excuses for getting caught with pinkies in nostrils at stoplights, index fingers buried in nasal cavities while cruising on the freeway and no more reasons to panic when you can’t find an immediate place to wipe that nasty booger when someone walks into the room. Nose pickers of the world, stand up and be united. Today, is your day too to feel loved. It’s Valentines day!

Prostitution is the oldest profession dating back to the dawn of man. Even back then, while men were sitting on their dinosaurs, camels, or horses, or waiting in chuck wagons and chariots, anxiously awaiting a beckoning from a lady of the night, they alleviated their boredom with index and pinky fingers rhythmically scraping away in their nostrils. The dawning of art, mastery and science of nose picking had begun. And just as prostitution has evolved through time and advanced with technology, so have nose picking activities which can now be found in trains, planes and very expensive automobiles. Anytime, any place is always the right time. Nose picking that is!

Professionals, parents and pickers themselves have all been asked… When? When do you know when it’s just a habit? When does nose picking become an obsession? When is exactly the point of no return? When does having a finger up your nose constitute a required cleaning versus raping the nostrils of an already depleted harvest? When, when, when! When do you reach the point of no return and the light bulb start flashing to the words of revelation and acceptance... “I have an addiction to rooting my nose!” “Help me, I can’t stop!”

Most research and allegations point the green finger towards men as the population most at risk for perpetrating the raping and reaping of the nose. No one can say for sure as to whether women share the same intensity in their picking habits, but this much is certain, they are either really deceptive and diabolical in their rituals, or they have mastered near perfect abstinence!

For those reading this with or without a finger up their noses, or if you suspect a loved one or someone close to you might be a problem nose picker, there are the criterion and symptoms to look for. Note: Symptoms must be present for at least 6 months, in at least 2 or more settings, you must have 10 or more of them, and must not otherwise be listed in the DSM-IV under any other mental health illnesses.

• I can’t go a day without having a finger in my nose.
• Sometimes I am in situations where I really feel the need to pick and can’t because there are people present. This causes me to experience great emotional and psychological frustration and turmoil.
• Sometimes I have to pick so bad that I don’t care where I am and whose watching.
• I pick to the point of causing bleeding, cuts and scabs in my nose. Even if there are cuts, I go back for more.
• I still choose to use my finger even though I have tissue present and the option to blow.
• I enjoy the physical sensation of having a finger up my nose.
• I greatly enjoy the texture and appearances of my boogers and sometimes enjoy playing with them before flicking them away.
• I fantasize about eating or do already eat the fruits of my nose harvests.
• I have proficiently mastered the use of all my fingers for my digs.
• Whenever I am driving or stopped at a traffic light I can’t help but pick.
• Whenever I am in my car, I fall into the magical thinking pattern and believe no one can see me picking even though they are looking directly at me.
• Others find my nose picking very disturbing and traumatizing but I still do it anyway.
• Nose picking is the first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do before falling asleep.
• Often times I wake up in the middle of the night just to find myself engaging in a good nose pick which keeps me awake.
• I use objects other people use such as car seats, sofas, chairs, sheets, blankets, or carpets to wipe or flick my boogers on.
• I have even resorted to wiping my boogers on the bottom of my shoes, the crotch of my pants or even some discrete bodily region to get rid of the evidence.
• Most of my day involves thinking about, planning around or engaging in my nose picking activities.
• Whenever I see someone else picking their nose I get the intense urge to start picking my own.
• I have been in the company of others who along with myself engaged in a group picking.
• No matter how many times I have tried to stop or tame my picking, I just can’t control it and make it go away.

As a general rule of thumb, or make that an index finger, if you possess 10 or more of these symptoms and truly believe you don’t have a nose picking obsession or addiction, then you are truly in denial.

Vices advises seeking professional help or seeking out a support group in your area. If you are living in a rural area, you might have to start your own. You might also try some of the more traditional aversion techniques used to stop nostril engagement:

• bandages on the finger tips
• hot sauce on the finger tips
• swimmers nose clips
• tying your hands to your sides
• wearing leather/winter gloves
• getting a nose job to make the nostrils smaller
• using a buddy system to watch and stop you
• wrapping your knuckles whenever you think about it and make those puppies swell
• break the tools of the trade
• amputate the tools of the trade

Some of these aversion techniques are extreme and barbaric and we don’t recommend you using them. Remember, help is out there and it is always best to talk about it and also listen to your loved ones who care about you. Fret not! There are others out there just like you who share the same affliction. If you need reassurance, just keep your eyes peeled next time your at an intersection or on a highway. You have brothers and sisters who are hurting too! They are itching for instant nostril gratification.

*This article appears in it’s entirety in Vices Jan/Feb/March Edition. For more info, please visit www.vicesmagazine.com . Always remember, “Addictions don’t discriminate, people do!”

ARE YOU AN ON-LINE GAMBLER?

Imagine, if you will, that you’ve just broken open your fortune cookie at lunch and your eyes ogle the message on the fortune. A small smile unfoils your pursed lips as you read, “you will come into some money very soon.” A light bulb goes off in your head as you think about your computer back at your office and the half-hour you have in between afternoon meetings. Gee, that is just enough time to get in some gaming on-line! And what did your horoscope read this morning? Something about Jupiter being in-line with the planets meaning something big could be happening in your life if you would just make it! You ask for the bill so you can get back to the office now! Who can wait until the 3:30 pm break?

Many of us have allowed ourselves to believe, at one time or another, that we were possessed with some special insight or advantage which might allow us to beat the odds in a game of chance. We have done it with lottery tickets. With card games and professional sports. With horse racing and slot machines. With bingo. And now we have the opportunity to do it all the time and any time with on-line wagering on our computers! And when I refer to “doing it”, I’m not talking about sex! Rather, I am referring to “magical thinking” which makes us think we are invincible, lucky and able to beat tall odds and win big at the on-line table.

All addictions are very bad and many of them contain the magical thinking component…”I can stop or quit whenever I want too.” Unfortunately, for many, this line of thinking is wrong and what got them into trouble in the first place! Certain individuals have what is known as addictive personalities. They are more likely to become addicted to some kind of vice. Such individuals are apt to be impulsive, spontaneous, “fly-bythe- seat-of-their-pants” thrill seekers who have difficulty living life in moderation. Many compulsive gamblers wage bets not only for the chance to win big money, but for the incredible and insatiable adrenaline rush they receive from the spin of the wheel, the pull of the arm or the flip of the card. This rush is a highly addictive substance for many gamblers and is just as intoxicating for them as shot of heroin is for the narcotic addict.

Many individuals set a limit for how much they are going to spend on their gaming ventures. The average person is able to walk away with losses in check and maintain some degree of rational control. The addictive personality, on the other hand needs to keep playing to win back their money and regain some sense of control. It is a hard dichotomy to ponder as to what is worst; losing your money right from the get go and feeling down and out, or winning money right off the bat, feeling so lucky and unstoppable, and continuing playing until you lose your winnings, your own money and your proverbial pants?

Many people often wonder about the etiology for how addictions come to be. When I give lectures to my students, I like to describe an addiction in the following manner. The first step to any addiction is curiosity. After an individual has tried something once, they either like the experience enough to try it again or they dislike it and avoid it. When the individual enjoys something a lot, they begin to desire it. When the desire becomes strong, one is likely to indulge in it more often, kind of like acquiring a taste for triple chocolate ice cream. This indulgence can escalate into a habit. If caught before they become too intense, most habits are treatable or stoppable. However, when habits intensify, they are most likely to evolve into needs. When someone does not get what is necessary to satiate their needs, they are likely to experience psychological, emotional and/or physical withdrawal. This signals an individual’s dependence on their vice, and a dependence on anything means ADDICTION!

Individuals develop certain triggers through repeated experiences which cause them to become highly sensitive. A trigger can be anything which stimulates interest, excitement and arousal for the individual. For the gambler, it can be flashing lights, dollar signs, clanging bells, music associated with gambling or even the smell of smoke or a sip of alcohol. It depends on how the individual was originally aroused and how they were repeatedly excited while gambling which will determine what their triggers are. For an addicted gambler, various stimuli associated with a casino or gaming is likely to set them over the edge!

Gambling is perhaps one of the worst of all addictions because it has the most immediate impact on an individual financially. One could literally lose their house or entire savings in a matter of minutes! On-line gambling is a very scary gambling venue. When you consider a casino, the individual has to physically be there to lose their money. Once they have lost their money, they can leave the place. Furthermore, they are usually there at a set time according to their schedule. Bottom line: They have to go to the casino because it is not going to come to them. Well, that was until now! With online gambling, the individual can gamble at anytime. It is just like the home shopping network. You can buy, buy, buy at all hours of the day and night. Did you know most people watch television or play on the computer when they are bored? I have heard so many stories of women running up credit card expenditures due to watching home shopping shows and claiming they were bored. Gee, just think what on-line gambling has the potential to do: help create excitement for the bored and for the already excited, make them more excited!

The concern with on-line gaming is the same as regular gambling. Many gamblers do not know their limits and when to quit! With on-line gambling, limits can be further stretched as gambling is aloud to permeate the personal world of the gambler at home or in the office. Furthermore, the potential for a multitude of triggers to lure gamblers to the computer is both complex and overwhelming. Hmmm, just think next time you have a halfhour to kill at work and you are feeling bored! What did your fortune cookie say?

WHEN YOUR KID IS A BULLY

Submitted by: Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D.

Society is saturated with information on bullying. Each time you turn on the TV or flip open newspapers there are stories, articles and hotlines for bullying—that is the victims of bullying. Conversely, little or nothing in these same media venues addresses how to deal with the bully. So...where do we go from here? What can parents do when their kid is the perpetrator of bullying? If they choose to do nothing will they just “grow out of it”?

When bullying is left unchecked potentially negative outcomes, if not very damaging ones lurk on the horizon! Bullying attitudes and behaviours in children appear to become more serious and more difficult to prevent and may be carried into adulthood where their potential dangerousness and consequences increase exponentially (McAdams & Lambie, 2003). Is it any wonder so many bullies become delinquent, wind up with lives connected to street crimes and gang violence? Research demonstrates that students who bully in middle school have been found to be up to four times more likely to be involved in later criminal activity than those who do not (Cole et al., 2006). Those are staggering statistics moms and dads!

The key to fixing and stopping bullying behaviours is to nip it in the bud. As a social psychologist, professor of education and volunteer for several children’s organizations the commonality to treating bullying is preventing it from escalating to a level where it gets out of control for all involved—the victims, the bully, parents, teachers, counsellors and sometimes police officers/courts. It is extremely important to identifying bullying as “a problem” which is half of the battle, and then addressing it by dealing with it appropriately. Just how is this done?

In order to help the bully it is imperative to identify their underlying need and motivation for bullying. Why do they feel the need to bully other kids? When it comes to bullying, children bully for one of two reasons; Fear or Gain! Some experts on bullying will classify these as reactive and proactive aggression respectively. In reactive aggression, the bully believes that some sort of misperceived threat exists whereby someone is out to harm them. This is usually a by-product of past experiences where they were wronged, threatened or hurt and an adequate or reasonable resolution to the unfortunate event was never achieved. Furthermore, adults (parents) never taught them or modeled them to have the amicable skills for dealing with similar and future events. Instead, bullies who operate from this premise behave from this irrational frame of reference. In fact, once each situation gets some sort of resolution or restitution, bullies are often times deeply remorseful for how they behaved. Consequently, they are most likely to react out of fear in similar situations which arise.

In proactive aggression, the bully usually acts out based on greed... to get an “upper hand”. They believe bullying will get them what they want on their terms. Unfortunately, most bullies who use this as their modus operandi do so from modeling experiences based on watching their parents—monkey see monkey do! They believe and are sometimes taught that the only way to get ahead in the world is by hurting and/or taking advantage of others. Survival of the fittest! And this is where parents come in—Hopefully!

Parents need to identify, learn and understand the underlying motivation for their child’s bullying behaviours. Why are they doing it? In order for this to occur, parents need to open up the lines of communication, not only talking to their children but listening as well. By asking “heart of the matter” questions, parents will get to the root of the problem. With that said, parents need to be prepared to identify or accept that they may be contributing to the problem. This is sometimes very hard to do when one's ego gets in the way!

Having regular discussions with kids is a good idea. Having daily discussion with children who are bullies is even better! Did you know that some estimates assert that the average amount of time parents engage in daily discussions with their children range from 2 ½ to 6 ½ seconds? Is it any wonder that children lack communication skills, especially bullies? Besides discussions, supplemental options to consider are support groups for bullies, self-esteem support groups, and individual counselling. Furthermore, getting children who are bullies involved in organized sports or activities that interest them are great ways to teach them social skills, especially discipline and respect, both for other people as well as themselves. Interestingly, martial arts is an exceptional venue for teaching kids, especially bullies all of the aforementioned as they are taught violence is not the answer!

If parents want to fix a child who is a bully, they need to realize that perhaps they are contributing to the problem or causing it. Interestingly, in most instances of bullying, parents or lack of parenting is the common denominator. If you are a parent then you are a large part of getting the equation corrected!

HELPING YOUR CHILDREN CHOOSE THEIR FRIEND'S WISELY

Submitted by: Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D.

A few weeks ago I was sitting in Starbucks having my habitual morning coffee when a regular approached me and asked if I had a second to discuss something they needed help with. Of course, it wouldn’t be “just a second”, rather a good half hour or so to get to the heart of the matter—How does he get his daughter to stop hanging around with one of her friends who is a “bad influence” when she refuses to sever ties? Interestingly, in the last two weeks this has become a common theme, at least for concerned parents approaching me. How does a parent get their child to stop hanging certain kids/friends who are definitely a bad influence in their child’s life?

There are no easy, full-proof answers to this question other than collecting your family and relocating to another town. Then guess what? Your kid will probably find another “bad influence”! Unless you plan on relocating to Barrow, Alaska you will have to make do with good insights and even better parenting skills.

The best place to begin with your children is to open up the lines of communication. As a private practitioner teaching parents good parent management strategies, I encourage them to discuss their concerns with their kids—Discuss! The problem is that most parents take the wrong approach. They either teach, preach or scold instead of having open-minded talks with their children where the channels of communication flow both ways. You see, rule number one is that when you tell your child not to do something, they are more likely to do something out of spite, ego or curiosity. The only control that kids have at this point of their lives is their ability to make decisions. With that said, it is important to tip the balance for decision making skills on the positive side. And this is accomplished through being assertive with children—respecting and accepting their rights.

First, it is best to ask your child why they like hanging around the “supposed” troublemaker. What are they getting out of it? Parents can learn a lot about the situation, the child they dislike as well as their own child. You know they say that “birds of a feather flock together” and “it takes one to know one”. Is it possible that your child is stirring up the same feelings in other parents? Perhaps your child is a bad influence as well, or does “certain things” you are not aware of. Get to know your child!

Second, ask your child what they are getting out of hanging around with the child in question. What type of enjoyment, entertainment or excitement do they feel they derive from being around the trouble-maker? Perhaps your child is simply bored and/or lonely and is using this kid for stimulation to pass time. If this is the case, then it is time to address your child’s boredom and loneliness by getting them involved in activities, groups or events that will give them what they are lacking. Give them something positive to hang around and onto!

Third, tell your child how you feel about the other child. Do this in a non-threatening way. Let your child know that you love them, care about their well-being and only want what is best for them. When your kids hear it discussed this way, they are less likely to fight you and/or rebel out of spite. In fact, they will learn that you value them, respect their decisions and what they are doing with their lives. From this they are more likely to make better decisions and chose better friends. At the heart of the matter, children want to make their parents proud. If you tell your kids what you want for them in a non-threatening way that is reasonable, most if not all children will do their best to put big smiles on their parents’ faces.

When you follow these three steps believing that you are doing your best as a parent because you want what is best for your children, kids will pick up these cues and will try their best to make good, if not better decisions. The problems parents most often experience with their kids are self-inflicted. Many either treat their children as chattel (property), or go to the other extreme and treat them as miniature adults. At some point parents have to trust their children to make good decisions because they are not omniscient and omnipresent. Playing God is a tough role to take on!

Instead, by keeping the lines of communication open and treating your kids with respect, you create psychological parents in your kid’s minds to carry around with them. This is a very good quality in helping kids with their decision-making skills. Unfortunately, there will be situations where a friend might be an extremely bad influence and create very negative situations that you as a parent may have to put your foot down and operate on the premise of “tough love” banning your child from seeing that friend. If this happens, you still need to carry out the three step communication process until your child knows they are loved, accepted and trusted.

Communication and patience is importance when it comes to teaching children very good life skills and decision making skills. When feelings are involved it is never easy. And when all else fails, you can always pack up the parka, dog sled and family and head for Alaska!

Possibility Parenting

Submitted by: Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D.

Every single seed contains within it the potential for possibilities, an intelligence waiting to burst out of its shell. Perhaps the best way to describe a seed is to refer it to metaphorically as a possibility thinker, for the possibilities of its future is endless. No doubt the human brain resembles the seed with its own potentiality except this is one super big pod contains super huge possibilities--hopes, dreams, desires and goals. And where does it all start? Simple: At the beginning!

The brain, which is often believed to house the "mind" is an intricacy of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories and expectancies. Yes, the mind holds all of these awesome potentials and then some! Did you know that modern neurological science is still only scratching the surface into uncovering the potential of the human mind? Where it ends, no one really knows because get this...the mind as it is today cannot grasp the mind's potential of tomorrow. Basically, science makes it up as it goes along.

Within the last two decades, neuropsychology and biopsychology have found the importance of neuropathways in the brain. Neuro-pathways are the highways and bi-ways of learned knowledge which essentially creates the habits people use every day whether they are right or wrong, good/bad, or productive/destructive. Guess what? As soon as the brain is able to grasp things, which occurs as early as the neonatal stage, these neuro-pathways are already being designed and set in place.

Even though a child's brain is considered half the size of an adult's brain, the roots (neuro-pathways) are already sucking up mental nutrients--communication skills, self-esteem building blocks, habits and emotions which are branching in the directions that adults are guiding them. We know it is important for proper physical development, especially the brain. Yes, good foods, vitamins and supplements, healthy lifestyles and plenty of rest lead to a healthy brain. With that said, it is important that adults pay just as much attention to the mind. Did you know that where thoughts go energy flows? Are you cultivating your child's mind with good mental nutrients?

No two children are the same. Age differences and development play vital roles in determining how children engage mentally, emotionally and socially in their everyday lives. As a general rule of thumb, different age ranges contain certain critical periods for how children should be cultivated mentally. Depending on the age of your children, the following is a good bench mark for certain criteria to follow to help your child's mind develop to its ultimate potential.

The famous developmental psychologist Eric Erikson asserted that from birth to five years of age it is very important to lay the framework down which will help children evolve mentally, socially and emotionally thus leading them towards optimal health in all areas of their lives. From 18 months to 3 years he discussed the importance of developing a child's autonomy which is largely created through helping a child develop self-control, courage and will. Through the ages of 3 to 5 years, they evolve further and develop initiative which is grounded in purposes: Parents demonstrate the potential blueprint for what it means to be an adult. How do parents achieve this? Simply through a host of activities and interactions. It is important that parents encourage their children to play with other children to develop their social skills, while at the same time encouraging individual play which stimulates the abilities for children to engage themselves in tasks independently. Well-known Russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky demonstrated through varieties of play, whether it be individual or within groups of kids that the benefits for future mental health and social development are profound. Basically, the playful imagination of a child is a terrible thing to waste!

It is important during this age period birth to 5 years to engage your children in different types of activities (art, listening to stories, make-believe games, tasks requiring the use of their hands and fingers). Not only are visual/spatial skills being developed, but so are the neuro-pathways which lead to higher levels of mental development. Children appreciate being guided and instructed at this point of their lives due to their limited brain capacity. With that said, it is important to give them positive, learning-oriented tasks. Encourage your children in fun creative challenges in order to help their minds/brains develop. Ask things like, "What could we make with this empty cardboard box and this paint and paintbrush?" Show them that possibilities exist and that they are artists to the blank canvases of possibilities.

For parents who have children 6 to 9 years of age, it is important to help them develop their sense of "industry" as Erikson states. Helping them gain competence and self-esteem is the order of the day. It is important to teach your children words they can use to describe their feelings. For example, a child may feel pleased, excited, content, or thrilled instead of just happy. Parents need to facilitate communication which helps children identify and own their feelings. The famous learning developmental psychologist Jean Piaget believes at this stage of their lives, children become concrete operational thinkers--seeing things in polarized ways, either right/wrong, good/bad or black/white. Often times, they can't think outside of the proverbial box. Therefore, parents could make informal learning experiences fun; compare prices at the grocery store, read and compare billboards and street signs, or study and observe similarities and differences in nature. Show children that differences exist and that these differences are good!

If you have 10-15 year olds it is important to help children develop the aspects of their minds which will lead to positive identity formation. Erikson asserts ego development and fidelity are not only fostered within family/friends alone, but task building as well. Simple life skills have a profound effect on a child's mental and social development. Avoid nagging or "rescuing" your children when they forget to follow through on their responsibilities. Let the natural consequences unfold (e.g., kids who don't put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket run out of clean clothes to wear).

During this cycle of a child's life, it is important that parents avoid treating their children as miniature adults. Placing too much responsibility on children is overwhelming and most likely to distress them and set them up for failure. Conduct family meetings to talk about plans that effect the whole family. It is important to invite/engage input from all family members. Keep it clear that while your children are maturing and deserving of more independence, you are the parent and it’s your responsibility to set boundaries and consequences. Furthermore, according to Piaget, this is the period when children begin to shift their thinking and emoting from concrete thinking to abstract logical thinking--seeing a greater host of possibilities and outcomes. It is important for parents to share opinions on current events, or certain values or beliefs. Not only does listening to your children provide you with fresh perspectives, it will also helps your kids learn how to express their opinions, listen to others, and engage in a meaningful discussion. At this stage, perspective-taking is key!

Finally, if you have older teens 16 to 18 years of age, good luck with that! Just kidding of course...

This is the age when a child's "ego" becomes more independent of the family niche and they are truly forging out their own identities according to Erikson. Add to this a teen's growing independence, affiliation/loyalty to their friends and the conformity issues that arise and parents literally have their hands full, that is unless their hands are preoccupied pulling out their hair by the roots!

Even though they are older and appear to be "on their own" in terms of developing and completing tasks, parents still need to play an active role in the lives of 16-18 year olds. When your children receive longterm school assignments, offer to help them plan and make decisions in order to finish on time. Support and loyalty from parents is vital. Children need to know they can still turn to their parents for help rather than them believing they are on their own. Keeping the lines of communication open is paramount. If your kids do not learn from you, they will learn communication skills and the handling of emotions from the media and/or streets--not a good thing! It is important to engage the family in positive discussion time. Allow family members to leave discussions when they are too angry or upset to resolve conflicts peacefully and reasonably. Never leave things unresolved or with individuals hurting emotionally. Agree on a time to try again!

At the end of the day autonomy partnered with independence is key for raising mentally/emotionally healthy kids. Remember that when your kids have trouble making a decision, offer to talk it through, help them make a plan, or generate a list of pros and cons. Point out to them that not making a choice is making a choice—it’s choosing to give someone or something else the power to influence what happens. You want your children to know that only 10% of life is what happens to them and that 90% is choosing how to respond. How do you want your children to respond? Hopefully positively, seeing and knowing that there are a multitude of possibilities that exist. And how are they aware of this? You helped their brains/minds evolve to their greatest potentials throughout the developmental process!

Dr. Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D.
Psychologist/Professor/Self-help Author
psacco1@cogeco.ca

WHAT DO YOU REALLY, REALLY WANT?

Dr. Peter Andrew Sacco

I have asked clients, students, readers of my books and people attending my seminars the question, “What do you really, really want?” When you get past the trite answers, “happiness”, “money”, “world peace”, etc., most people are really baffled to come up with something that satisfies their proverbial palate. So then, I pose this question to you now, “If you could be or have anything, what do you really, really want?”

Having answered the question, are you getting what you really, really want? Most people aren’t. In my book Why Women Want What They Can’t Have, yes that’s really the title, I looked at the many reasons why women pick abusive men, or men that are just not suited to their needs. Why do women settle for the wrong man, the wrong job or the wrong direction in life? Simple! They are not setting their roots in solid foundations. And what is this “solid foundation”? Seeking first the kingdom of God!

When you seek first the kingdom of God, you are creating the perfect base for living your life. Just turn to your Bible and read Matthew 19:26—Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Wow, isn’t that amazing? Since Jesus said, that the "Kingdom of God is within us." (Luke 17:20-21), and that we are created in the image of God (spirit) and that we are children of God, guess what? We have the keys to the kingdom folks…you can have anything you want! Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you (Matthew 7:7). The problem facing most is that they are either afraid to ask, don’t know what to ask for, or the kicker…their faith and belief hinders them from receiving. God as their foundation for life and happiness. If God is for you, then who can be against you? Well, that would usually be you!

I have met some wise and faith-driven people in my life, but my ultimate favorite person, and easily the wisest man I have ever spoken with is Dr. Robert Schuller Sr., the pastor from the great Hour of Power. Dr. Schuller is a firm believer in finding a need and filling it. What often happens though is we forget to fill our own needs which are basic for our core beliefs and foundation for living. Often times we dream too small or don’t believe in our dreams. That’s too bad. I think Schuller says it best, “Make your dreams big enough for God to fit in!” After all, He is God isn’t He?

So now…What do you really, really want? Now with God on your side, go out and get it!

WHO ARE YOUR KIDS CHATTING WITH ON-LINE?

Do you know what your children are watching on television when you are not around? Do you know who your children are talking to in Internet chatrooms? Many parents have little time to censor and monitor their children’s viewing habits due to the time they spend working part-time jobs, shift-work and juggling their schedules. Because of this, children are finding their way into media venues they should not be seeing.

Up until the mid 1990’s, the biggest concern was scrutinizing what children were watching on television. We were very concerned about what the effects of viewing violence and sex on television and movies would have on children. In the last couple of years, we have witnessed increased random acts of violence carried out in schools and neighborhoods by children, alone or in gangs. More recently, the concern has shifted to Internet chatrooms. We live in a time where kids spend more time playing video games, watching television and surfing the web than they do playing sports and doing outdoor activities. The Internet has created so many new fascinating opportunities for children to explore. Internet chatrooms are one of these “awesome” activities which many children can’t get enough of!

As a former member of Child Find Canada and a criminal psychology professor, I have a vested interest in looking at what children are doing on-line. We want to protect our children from perpetrators who use the Net to solicit or compromise our children. The pornography that kids can encounter on the Internet is concern enough. However, chatrooms provide an “interactive” concern for parents. Who are your children talking too? What are they talking about with others? Do they meet people they chat with off of the Net? Do you monitor your child’s time and use of the Internet? These are great questions you need to be able to answer.

Some Pedophiles and child molesters use the Net as a means to abduct children or use them for their own demented gratification. I have heard stories of young children believing they are chatting with other children their own age and are asked to meet at shopping malls, stores and parks. They show up only to be abducted or threatened by an adult. Molesters also use coercion or ploys to trap the child’s attention. They promise them gifts, meetings with celebrities, fame, fortune and opportunities if they will meet them. There are those who ask children to send them pictures or they solicit them for “cyber” sex over the Net. This is what parents have to be cautiously aware of and protect their children from.

I offer a class “sexual violence” in the Criminal Psychology program we run at Niagara College which coincidently, we run on-line as well so potential students around the world can learn about criminal psychology and criminal profiles. In a class a couple of years ago, college students were asked to do projects. I had two adults examine the possibilities of cyber sex and pedophiles on the Net. The two ladies posed as two children who checked out a few chatrooms. During their presentation to the class, they discussed how they were compromised and asked provocative questions by pedophiles posing as children. This was very eye-opening and scary to listen too!

The Internet is a wonderful communication device for sending and receiving information. Unfortunately, with anything created for good use, there are always those bad seeds which wreck it for others. Parents, please be cautious of who your children are talking to on the Net and what they are talking about. It seems the virtual wolf has found a way to dress in sheep’s clothing and try to hurt our children in yet another senseless way! There are great computer programs you can install which will protect your kids as well as other great organizations in your community or city to prevent harm from coming to your kids when they are on-line.

Dr. Peter A. Sacco, Ph.D.
Professor/Author

HOW TO WIN CONFLICTS THAT MATTER!

By Dr. Peter Andrew Sacco Ph.D.

I have had many people who have read my books or attended my seminars ask, “What is the best way to shut down conflict or an argument immediately?” I am glad people ask but I don’t always think they are going to like my answer. Furthermore, I don’t know how much one’s ego will accept my advice should they be all about winning arguments. Having said this, I am going to throw out to you which I consider a nearly full proof way to de-escalate any anger-filled situation.

Do you work in hostile environment? Do you feel no matter how much you try to be successful, you are always shooting yourself in the foot by running your mouth? Perhaps you should put that same foot in your mouth beforehand to save you future grief! Let’s face it, to get ahead in the work world, sometimes you have to behave assertively, which might come off appearing aggressively and some people are not going to like it. There will always be those who will stand in your way and you may perceive them as being obstacles for your success.

I receive e-mails from readers all of the time complaining how they are always bickering or arguing with spouses, children, parents, other family members, co-workers, bosses and friends. In a nut shell, it’s always those closest to them they are emotionally involved with who have the greatest ability to stir their pot. It’s those you have a vested emotional interest in who are most likely to ignite you and get your blood boiling. Furthermore, it’s often times those who think they are better than you or want to be better than you who will engage you in conflict to see where they measure up to you.

Whenever confronted with a situation on the verge of provoking prolonged conflict or anger, tell the other person, “You’re right and I am wrong.” Folks, it may sound like a cop out, surrender or cheesy way out, but guess what? It works! Most people argue for the sake of arguing. They argue to feel powerful. They argue because they want to be right. Some just argue for the attention and a sense of acceptance. Telling others, “You’re right and I am wrong,” caters to these agendas.

When others you are arguing with first hear this statement, they are either blown away by confusion, surprise and shock! Some will continue to argue with you because they have misunderstood what you just said and once it clicks, they are confused, surprised and shocked! Once you restate it to them, they will shift to a mindset of awe—Is he or she saying what I really thing they are saying rings through their headspace like Eddie Van Halen performing a guitar virtuoso at a Buffalo Philharmonic concert! Saying this with some conviction and sincerity will blindside most people. They have absolutely no way of figuring out how to respond because they are caught off guard.

When you respond to people this way, it immediately take one’s mind out of argumentative mode and shifts it to interpretation mode. They are the one’s trying to figure out, “What just happened?” While their mind is processing and still trying to analyze the situation, this is your chance to exit stage right! And if you choose to stay and face more music, this is the chance to turn conflict into a more favorable situation and pour more sugar into the mix and get what you really want…resolution and/or compromise. Most people in the work world like to engage in conflicts because it makes them feel important. For some, winning the conflict is more important than succeeding in the true issue at hand.

Keep in mind, conflict usually occurs because people are afraid of change. Change is always needed for growth and people are resistant to growing, especially when they live in the domain of status quo. Arguing and conflicting is a way for many to keep the status quo alive and well. It is the umbilical to their static presents and proud pasts. Sometimes, feeling right and being reassured is all someone needs as the “kick in the butt” to help them evolve and move forward. Nothing can be more true than evolution in goal setting and business success!

I offer this strategy for those with really bad anger or for those who are tired of the same arguments with the same people. From the thousands I have worked with and who have applied my principles, I know they work because they tell me. Most will say that once they can get past their own egos to come up with the moxie to say, “You’re right and I am wrong,” they are on their way to smooth sailing. It takes time and practice but what do you have to lose…Perhaps your sanity? Looking ahead and thinking about the fruits of success make it that much easier to tell others that they are right when in the end great success generates feelings of righteousness for all!